I sit here at my keyboard not fully ready to write this post. I know that I should and I think it would make me feel better once it is out and on the table. The total opposite could be true. I could resent everything that I write and be upset with myself for putting any of this out into the world. I wonder who will really see this…people that will need it or just people that I know. Friends and family that I 100% do not discuss this with? If they see it will they look at me differently? I guess it’s a risk I have to take as this topic has been blocking me for the last 10 months. That and while I hate to put sad stuff up on the blog it is real life and I have made it a point to share most of our infertility journey with you so why not this.
As anyone and everyone knows by now my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. We started trying when our daughter turned 1 and she is now 2 1/2 so the time has not been insignificant. We got close a couple of times (if you get my meaning) and that has been tough but the first time was the worst. In September, actually the last day in the month, my 30th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I just had a feeling you know.
I was so sure that when a digital test came up no I went to the store and bought First Response because they can give you a partial answer, I knew it in my gut and it turns out I was right. I took a test and even though it was early for me to find out it said YES.
I was talking to someone on the phone for my birthday, actually they called the second after I took the test. I thought about letting it go to voicemail but when you have struggled to get pregnant those horrible little sticks of sadness (I mean pregnancy tests) are not something you stop life for. In fact, I hate them, I hate them more than anything in this world, so I took the call. I sat and chatted about life and the 3 minutes went by I thought “No big deal I’ll just go check and this can all be over”…wait…it was positive. I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I tried as hard as I possibly could to keep my voice at an even level. I quickly ended the call and did a happy dance. Happy Birthday to me!
I didn’t tell anyone because I thought, “It is still way too soon. You need to wait until you get a positive on the digital one, then you can tell hubby.” So I waited and 4 days later got a positive on the digital. Those were the longest 4 days of my life. Then I thought, maybe I should wait to find out with the doctor before we tell everyone. I scheduled an appointment and they couldn’t see me for 2 weeks! It just happened to be my moms birthday. I told my husband and he was over the moon. He was so happy but then he asked if I had seen a doctor and I said, “No, not yet, why?” “Let’s not get too excited yet. Just wait to see the doctor.” He said. “I have a positive test!! It was positive I swear” and I showed it to him.
That night I slept better than I had in months. I could not wait to tell everyone. I planned how and when we would do it. I told our daughter she was going to be a big sister because well…who was she going to babble it to. I felt like our family was finally becoming whole, we were finally going to be finished and complete. Days went by and with each day I was becoming more and more excited. My husband told me he thought it would be nice for me to take my mom for my first appointment. It was her birthday and what a better surprise than that. Everything was planned and all I had to do was wait and not tell anyone; not one of my specialities.
The Sunday before we were going to find out I slept like junk. I don’t know why and when I woke up well, the worst had happened. I noticed I was bleeding. I started shaking and crying. I could not believe what I was seeing. No, I thought this has got to be a mistake. Of course it was not. This had to be the worst 24 hours in my life to date. Nothing beats it. I am sure that there will be worse days to come but so far this is it for me. I just lied in bed all day. Suddenly I was in a lot of pain. I am sure half of that was physical and half was emotional. The pain of heartbreak is not something to be played down. It can hurt worse than most illnesses. We went to the doctor and of course everything was confirmed over the next week.
Looking back on the entire situation, maybe I knew something was wrong from the beginning. I refused to let myself tell anyone, even my mother. My husband kept saying, “Just wait” maybe he instinctively knew something too. Ever since then I have been angry and sad. Angry with myself for letting my head and heart go there. Telling myself that we were done. Letting myself be deliriously happy. I felt so stupid for doing that. I know better, I know to guard my heart better than that.
I have tried to move on and forget it. I mean to be fair, when I finally went to the doctor they labeled it a miscarriage but we never heard a heartbeat, never made it past 6 weeks, so does it really count? My husband was not so sure. I am positive that it did. The fact that I still cry for this loss means that it meant something big to me and that is all that matters.
The Perfectionist Mom