For those currently struggling with infertility, I know this post might be tough to read but I encourage you too. I am hoping it will give you a little light in what can be a dark time.
If you are just joining this series here’s a short catch up. As a young girl I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Pretty much as soon as I got married we had to start trying. It was not going well. We were on the IVF stage and that did not work. We had been trying for 9 months, which in reality is not that long, but in our small-secluded baby obsessed, infertility bubble seemed like 9 years.
We decided it was time to take a break for a little while. From the meds, from IVF, from anything baby related, like thats even possible. But we were attempting it; so we decided to start looking for a house. This was a really tough time for me personally. We were still trying naturally and I had tailored everything in my world to being as health and ready for pregnancy as I possibly could. Vitamins, food, acupuncture, you name it, I tried it. I am in that age group where everyone is getting married and having babies. I had 8 friends all pregnant at the same time! This was like torture. We made the decision not to tell anyone but our parents we were doing IVF. This way no one was asking 101 questions and no one knew if it didn’t work. It also made it so that I had no one to talk to but my mom, thank GOD I had her. I went to baby showers and smiled. I bought baby gifts and honestly, cried, hard, every time there was another announcement.
We finally, after 3 months of looking, found an amazing dream home. It was pretty much move in ready but being the perfectionist that I am had to paint the entire inside, all by myself. So, each day I would go, paint, read my 50 Shades of Grey books and paint some more. This went on for about a month. We finally moved in. I started to feel like things were finally going okay. We were talking about adoption and I was becoming okay with the fact that we might just have to become a family another way. The doctor’s did not want my problems to come back without warning, so we were still going each month to see if things looked any better with my ovaries, it never did. I was so sick of the ultrasounds, they don’t do them over your tummy, they need an inside look, if you get what I am saying.
We had the 4th of July, which is huge in my family. We always take a vacation and this time we went to a hotel on the ocean. It was actually a romantic getaway. The next few weeks I started feeling crappy, no other word for it. I remember thinking this is gonna be one heck of a bad period. I have always gotten nauseous from the endometriosis pain and it was pretty bad this time. On about the 29th day of my cycle I had not gotten anything but spotting so I called my doctor and they said “Hey, come in for a blood test we will try and figure out what’s going on”. Great just what I needed more problems. Both my grandma and mom needed hysterectomies early in their lives, was this finally happening to me?
I held my breath. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute at the office. Later that day, the doctor called. I missed it, shit! I could barely bring myself to call back. When a nurse calls, no big deal, when a doctor calls, it’s never good news. I called back and waited on hold for what seemed like an eternity. I had not told my husband I had gone to the doctor because I did not want to worry him. Finally the doctor picked up. “We got your blood test results back and…(longest pause in human history) You are pregnant.” I went numb, started shaking and tearing. I asked him to clarify and say that again? I thought I heard him wrong. “Congratulations, you must be my miracle case, you are pregnant!” I thanked him so many times; I barely remember anything else he said to me. I do remember him saying, “This wasn’t me kiddo this was all you.” I was over the moon! OMG I was actually pregnant! The baby that I prayed for every night, hoped for everyday. It was happening.
I ran to the bathroom, I, of course, had a stockpile of home pregnancy tests. Every month I HATED taking those pregnancy tests. It was the worst day of the month. I really only took them before the IVF started so I hadn’t touched one in 6ish months. I had a friend at work that gave me one of the expensive digital ones that said the word pregnant. I thought lets just use it and see. So I took the test. Now keep in mind the doctor had told me I was pregnant without a doubt, but I waited with hesitation thinking it would for sure come up negative. Nope, POSITIVE! Ahhhhh!
Then I realized, I get to tell my husband! Now for those who have been through treatment you know what I am saying. It is something you plan out when you start trying. How am I gonna tell him? When you go through treatment he is always there, every second, and the doctor gets to tell him. But this time, I got to tell him! I ran to Target and bought a gender-neutral sleep set (thinking the baby could come home in this, not seeing that it was 6 months size) and a card. I wrote down “Congratulations, you’re going to be a daddy!” I did not know if I would be able to speak the words so he could understand them, I was so excited. I thought writing them down was safer. He was working from home that day, THANK GOODNESS. I asked him to come into the living room; I had a present for him. It was the sleeper, the home test (in case he didn’t believe me) and the card. He read the card first and the look of joy and shock on his face is one I will never forget. He threw the card of the floor and swept me up in the biggest hug and kiss we had shared since our wedding!
Nine months later we had our perfect baby girl. Our pregnancy was a little rough, for another set of posts, but she is here and she is extraordinary. We got very luck we do know that. But you see it can happen. As much as every day you feel like, no, not me. I am not that lucky. It can, I promise, I’ve been there. And now we are tempting fate again, hoping for number 2. So here we go, starting this crazy journey that will hopefully lead to the best pot of gold you can ask for, a baby. Lets just hope this time the road is not so rocky.
The Perfectionist Mom
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