I wanted to share something that is a very personal struggle and this is something not tons of people know about me. It is kind of in-depth so I am going to break it up over a couple posts. I don’t want to bore you to tears :). This is not meant to be a depressing post in fact I hope it will help some people, people I know even, who have or are currently going through this.
Here is my story from the start. When I was 14 years old I went into my OBGYN’s office because of pain. That’s right 14, I actually started going to see him at 12, needless to say I was an early bloomer. I went not only for the normal checkup but because I was having tons of pain. No matter what I took it did not help. He diagnosed me with Endometriosis.
For those who do not know specifically what this condition is, it is when the tissue that normally lines your uterus grows in places it should not be, such as on your ovaries. It can cause pain and can lead to big masses called Endometriomas. Basically it is just all bad. Apart from just being extremely painful, it is for me anyway, and can cause dreaded infertility. All of which my doctor told me; all of which scared the crap out of me. I knew even at 14 I wanted to be able to have children. Now my grandmother and my mother both had this condition and my Nana had four kids, she was very fertile; my mom had two and again never a problem getting pregnant. Why would I think I would be any different?
When I met my husband we were young, 20 and 23. I knew pretty much within the first year of dating him, he was it for me. We dated for 4 years before even talking about marriage and a family. I suddenly realized this was something I would have to share with him. It has never really affected my life, apart from physically, but if there was even a chance we could not have children this was something he had to know. Telling him was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. What if he didn’t want to take the chance? I knew kids were important to him. So I swallowed my nerves and told him. He reacted pretty well I must say. I started crying and he put his arms around me and told me “I was meant to be a mother so lets not worry until there was something to worry about.”
Two years later we got married on New Year’s Eve. It was the best day and night of my life. Then just 6 short weeks later he had to leave town for work. What was supposed to be a 4-week assignment turned into 4 months! Newlyweds and he was gone. He was off making money so that when he got back we could look into buying a house. It was hard, but we knew it would be worth it. He was basically making an entire years salary. One day in June, I was at work and I remember saying to my mom on the phone that my legs and neck were really sore. It felt like I had been working out really hard the day before. The next day I was sick, really sick. I had a 104 fever. This started in the middle of the day so I was at work, so embarrassing. I was not showing any other symptoms so it was strange. I went to my doctor and they admitted me into the hospital. I was having SEVERE pain in my abdomen; they thought I had appendicitis. I did not; in fact I was diagnosed with viral meningitis. Point is they ran a ton of tests on my abdomen. More ultrasounds than I had ever had, up until this point.
When they were going to discharge me the resident OBGYN came into the room. I thought that was strange. Then he sat down (not a good sign) and the first question he asked was
“Do you have kids?” No.
“Well, are you married?” Yes, newly.
“Okay, well if you want children, you might want to consider trying sooner rather than later.” I’m sorry, what? We had barely been married 4 months! What is wrong?
“Your endometriosis has gotten very bad and you have two massive endometriomas, one on each ovary” Well, that sucks.
My husband came home to help me recover and I had to give him the news…there was finally something to worry about.
The Perfectionist Mom
Next post will let you know the decisions we had to make and the struggle we prayed would never happen.
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