Enough for me

toy box

I live in a world of organized chaos. Having been born with a type A personality, organization is essential to my mental well-being. “With great power, comes great responsibility”…. Hahahahahaha. Great. Power. More like self-inflicted insanity.

And then I had three kids.

With each baby, I learned to let go a little bit more. To realize that this life is only temporary and soon enough my life with my babies will all be but a faint memory. Memories I tell myself that I swear I could never forget. All too well I know I already have a hard time remembering details of their childhood, if not written down. Thank God for Facebook. On those nights, when all I wish to do is pull every strand of hair from my head, individually, while I look around at my destroyed house- I zoom in on albums from years ago. And then I remember and fall in love with what I do every day all over again.

I’ve been asked “What do I do all day?” by my nearest and dearest. That’s one of the WORST questions you can ask a SAHM. Because, not only do I care for the most precious minions in my world, my titles are endless, I am a full time student and the responsibilities never seem to cease.

And so I laugh when that person takes 2/3 of my crew for the weekend, and upon dropping them off they tell me how badly they need a drink. Touché. My work is done here. And if I have any other takers who’d like to challenge what I do in a small window of 24 hours (because we all know there is NEVER enough time in a day) – be careful what you ask for.

That’s not to say I regret creating chaos for myself. I’ve enjoyed every moment.

My house is lived in. My husband works so much so I can stay home that the bulk of responsibility falls on my shoulders. Inside and out. The first thing I say to anyone that comes over is, “Pardon the mess!”, “excuse everything”, “I haven’t gotten to this yet, I am so sorry”. It never fails. It’s my biggest insecurity and I clean religiously. Most days I feel that is all I have done and I missed the day trying to be everything I just need to let go of. Who am I trying to impress? You can eat off any surface in my bathroom. Sounds gross, but I am SOO serious. And one day while grocery shopping with three children in tow, the clerk (who was OBVIOUSLY a seasoned veteran) told the best phrase through conversation…. “I’m sure your house is clean, it’s just messy!”. Just because there was “stuff” every where doesn’t mean my house was dirty. That stuff was imaginary forts, boxes used as spaceships, toy cars that are on a mission to save the sock monkey or all the blankets in the house used to create a boat. It was “stuff” making memories. Sure enough, that couldn’t be more right.

So, this summer I have made a list of committments for me and my babies. Spend more time making memories. Embrace the chaos, but be involved. When my kids are older they will NOT remember how clean the house was or how neat and tidy I kept it. What they WILL remember is my time. Walks, bike riding, park adventures, reading books, playing cars, being the bad guy in imaginary battles, sprinkler play and the beach. The time I invested in them as far back as they can remember. So I will let go of all that is superficial.

They are my reason. That is enough for me.

The Naturalist Mom

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